I dont know how I am currently feeling right now. Emotionally I mean... Physically, I feel very odd/unusual. I have the shakes sorta like you get when you have the flu and have a fever. I dont think this explains it fully, but I am going to blame it on withdrawl from missing my medicine for two days.

I dont know what is going on right now. I finally have someone that i can hold close who I enjoy being around very much. And I feel it is the same way for him.

We had a good talk in the car. I am not exactly sure what the conclusion from it is.

I was reminded of the Margaret Cho conversation. I started thinking about it during our conversation and almost started crying; being me, I didn't. I was going to finally explain that story, but didnt want to have to talk about it, or to draw any uneccessary parallels. I dont like people feeling bad. I like honesty and appreciate it very much.

I dunno... considering everything I thought that the conversation would have gone differently... but I think that given time it will change course to what I thought it was.

I dunno.... maybe I just feel confused because of the way I am feeling with the withdrawl.

It would be nice to have "an answer when people asked."

I guess the biggest thing is that I dont fully get the rationalization of the reasoning. I know that the other person mentioned feels the same thing, but for different reasons as was discussed. But the fact that the comparison is able to be made is a sorta scary thought. I know it was said that the reasoning was not the same as the other person, but still that leaves me in the shadows of understanding.

It is possible that I feel the same way... maybe... which would explain the first "request" versus the second one which was made after advice was sought. But I dont know.

I am not sure how much this is impacted by the use of The Word. I feel the response might be coming soon.

I guess that more talking is needed.

In the end, I am incredibly happy that things have turned out as they have. In the beginning things were as unclear as they could have been, even possibly the polar opposite of where they are now. Good things happen to those who wait and they happen when you least expect them.

I just have to keep my hopes up.


It all comes back to what was said in my last post:  my omnipresent, eventho mostly subconscious, fear of abandonment.


I feel like I am rambling now... but I know there are other things on my mind that I want to say but cant think of them right now.

I guess one other thing is the apartment issue. I hope that it all works out. I feel like there is definitely some good chance of it, but no one can predict the future.


In the end, it is hard to always be the person in everyones lives who is stable so that they can have someone to go to for advice. It requires a guise of strength. At some point the wall will fall over and crumble, leaving nothing to hide the intangibles behind it.

Farewell cruel and yet still hopeful world.

---

Open up your eyes take a look at me
If the picture fits in your memory
I've been dreamin by the rythym like the beat of a heart
And i won't stop until I start to stand out

Some people settle for the typical thing
Livin' all their lives waitin' in the wings
It ain't a question of 'if', just a matter of time
Before I move to the front of the line

And once you're watchin' ev'ry move that I make
Ya gotta believe that I got what it takes

(Chorus)
To stand out
Above the crowd
Even if I gotta shout out loud
'Til mine is the only face you see
Gonna stand out 'til you notice me

If the squeaky wheels always gettin the greese
I'm totally devoted to disturbin the peace
And I'll do it all again, when I get it done
Until I become your number one

No method to the madness and means of escape
Gonna break every rule I'll bend them all out of shape
It ain't a question of 'how' just a matter of when
You get the message that I'm tryin to send

I'm under a spell, I'm in over my head
And you kno I'm going all of the way, till the end

To stand out
Above the crowd
Even if I gotta shout out loud
'Til mine is the only face you see
Gonna stand out 'til you notice me, yeah


If I could make you stop and take a look at me instead of just
Walkin' by
There's nothin' that I wouldn't do
If it was gettin' you to notice
I'm alive

All I need is half a chance, a second thought, a second glance'll prove
I got whatever it takes
It's a piece of cake

To stand out
Above the crowd
Even if I gotta shout out loud
'Til mine is the only face you see
Gonna stand out
Stand out, hey
Stand out!
(Yeah, yeah, yeah!)
Stand out!
(Hmph!)
'Til mine's the only face you see
Gonna stand out
'Til you notice me